The scenes we cannot watch again. ever. no matter the cost.

We love Buffy. We truly do. You might not believe it from the name of this site, or from the recaps, or OK, even from our choice of premiere article, but why else would we be able to tell you what outfit each character was wearing, down to the unfortunate scarf and hideous hat, for any scene you throw at us.

But, despite our Buffy love, there are just some scenes that are spectacularly cringe-worthy. Scenes that haunt our dreams. When we reflect on past seasons, these scenes are like Buffy's wonderbra under her pajamas: you know it's not the point of the episode, but your brain is fixated on wondering why the hell it's there.

We tried to narrow the scenes down to ten. It was not an easy task. In fact, we failed miserably.

The craptastic quotes are just a bonus. It's possible I made up the last one. But it would have fit right in.

Well, the wedding itself was held in a military chopper just before a hairy night drop into hostile territory.

Starve a snake, lose a fortune. Boy, I guess the rich really are different, huh?

I'm a kinematically redundant, biomechanical demonoid, designed by Maggie Walsh. she called me Adam, and I called her Mother.

honorable mentions

In fact, we had to add a couple of honorable mentions, because they make us twitch. Truly.

17. as you were

Riley and his newly made-up wife fly off into the sunset, or moonlight rather, swinging from a helicopter rope.  Was anyone else hoping they'd slam into a wall?

16. doomed

Buffy flies into the hole and then flies out again. No really. This is what happens.

15. Entropy

Willow and Tara have a "touching" reconciliation scene.  Gag me.  With a spoon.

the top ten. or so.

And now, we count 'em down, to the worst scene of all. You say there's more than ten here? If only there didn't need to be.

14. into the woods

Buffy runs after a helicopter, trying to catch Riley before he leaves for a super-secret mission in South America.  Because she loves him so much, and all.  Run, Buffy, run! With this terrific editing, we truly believe you can catch a flying helicopter. Because you have super-slayer speed!

13. reptile boy

Buffy and Cordy are introduced to the very first (but certainly not the last) overly-phallic villain in the Buffyverse. Did we mention that they are chained to a wall.  In a cave?  Under a frat house? Because Buffy had a cocktail?  As if this isn't bad enough, Buffy has bad hair, Cordy's in a hideous dress and when the snake pops out you can see the wires and everything.  We sat through Xander in a wig and bra for this?

12. the i in team

 Buffy and Riley have sex for the first time.  Lucky us, the pain is at least diminished by cheesy cuts to their demon fighting earlier.  < / sarcasm >

11. amends

stupid snow. truly stupid snow.

10. spiral

The Knights of whatever-the-fuck-it-was-they-called-them, ride their magic steeds, catch up to, and beat the crap out of the Scoobs and their spectacularly slow-moving Winnebago.  Clearly Giles should have been peddling faster.  And clearly the stunt crew was on vacation, leaving the pacing and blocking to what appears to be a grade schooler.

9. grave

Willow recites an 'oh, you poor people' monologue from hell after sucking Giles dry.  Yes, us poor, poor people.  Truer words were never spoken from a character in the Buffyverse.  Unless they were to mock Dawn.

8. any scene with adam

We couldn't pick one, there were so many: the "mommy" scene, the confrontation with Riley scene, the throwaway "gotta add him to Superstar for no good reason" scene...  Any scene he touched sent us to the floor in pain faster than any Buffy/Angel scene in season three.  And damn if that isn't saying a whole lot.

7. primevil

In the supersecret, super swank underground lab of the above mentioned deadweight, Adam, Walsh and Angleman waltz around as the world's stupidest, least threatening zombies ever; Riley is under a spell and Forrest is...dude, what the fuck was Forrest, anyway?  Oh!  Wait!  Was he symbolic of an American?  All made up of different parts and bravadoish?  No, wait, he was just stupid.  And a script that included lines like "Shut up!  Watch me kill your girlfriend, Finn.  That's an order." didn't really help the situation at all. Nor did Riley's magical will and self-surgery, during which he ripped something out of his heart and yet not only did not then instantly die, but was able to participate in a fairly lengthy fight scene. Truly believable, that.

6. where the wild things are

Thanks Joss.  We were sitting around, thinking "wouldn't it be great if they gave us an ENTIRE episode of sweaty Buffy/Riley sex?  And wow, wouldn't it be fantastic if they showed them being responsible and, say, reaching for a condom?"  Brilliant.  And you came through. You did.  Thanks.  You forgot to add the scene where Buffy puts the condom on with her mouth, but you added so many other traumatizing moments, we're willing to overlook that.

5. spiral

Some call him Gregor.  Some call him General Exposition.  All call him stupid.  You know the character.  One of the forgettable knights?  Who've been fighting Glory forever, even though she's only been in this dimension 25 years or so?  And you know the scene.  He's tied to the post and exposits for Buffy, and us, how Glory's bad.  Real bad.  Maybe even evil.  And trapped in a living cell of meat and bone.  Cuz she's bad.  'Nuff said.

4. intervention

We really couldn't decide on just one here.  We were pretty traumatized by both.  But which one causes the most severe nightmares?  Buffy straddling Spike in a horrible pink skirt in the graveyard or the implied blowjob in the crypt?  You decide.

3. wrecked

ST voted for willow's crying "I need help" fit at the end; SP particularly hated Willow floating on rack's ceiling.  And so did ST!  It's tough! Tough we say!  So much horribleness...so little room.

2. gone

Invisible Buffy.  Naked Spike.  Push ups.  Me.  Heaving.

1. smashed

Amy the ex-rat and Willow, the ex-geek, use magik like no one on Buffy ever has before. They wave their hands, and people morph into... other people. They snap their fingers, and we get cage dancers. To suggest that the writers pulled it out of their ass would not be over-reacting, we feel.  For a moment, we thought we were watching Bewitched on acid.  Bad acid.

"Cool. I always wanted to be Sabrina the teenage witch!"

Do you think these are the best scenes ever and we are crazy to suggest otherwise? Well, you're completely wrong, but feel free to tell us why you think you're right in the discussion forum.

08.13.02