beginning | blinding torment | boils | lies | making me bitter | evil compounds evil | blah blah bity blah

 

 

The Surviving your 10,000th viewing with panache Game

 

 

 

 

It’s over.
 

7 years of sitting in front of the TV, debating the rights and wrongs of an intrepid little slayer and her buds…gone. Wasted, some might say…certainly no one here, but still…we’re sure someone out there has probably said it…

 

So what the hell are you supposed to do with yourself now?

 

The obvious answer would be to drink.  But since you’re probably already doing that, you could try turning off the tv and going outside--We know, we know, we can hear you protesting “but FX is playing Go Fish! Xander in a speedo! In slow motion!” And we’re down with that. Really. We never said we actually recommended turning off the tv, it was just a suggestion. Like if we told you to drink bleach. It’s a suggestion, but doesn’t mean we necessarily think you should do so. Not really. Per se. In fact, I think, when you look back, we come out pretty firmly on the side of NOT drinking bleach. Just to, you know, illustrate our point.

 

Which was, to be clear: don’t drink bleach.

 

So once you’ve put down the bleach and ignored our suggestion to go outside and turned on your favorite episode instead, what’s left?


 

The Surviving-Your-1,000th-Viewing-With-Panache Game*, that’s what!

*cooler name pending. Maybe. I don’t know. We’ve got shit to do, you know.



A game, you say? Why? Why do I need a game? Why can’t I just watch the show and act it out along with the actors like I usually do?

 

Well, for one, that's what crazy people do, and for two, now when someone asks you why the hell you’re watching an episode over and over again that you’ve already seen a million times when you really should be outside enjoying the sun, you can simply say “I’m playing a game.” Games are good. They’re intellectual and build social skills. No one’s going to argue with you when you’re building social skills. Social skills are important. Especially if you’ve spent the last seven years watching a show about a petite blonde who likes to kill things and sleep with dead people. Trust us on this.

 

And really, there are only so many times you can be busted knowing every single line to Becoming or watching Xander threaten Angel in Killed by Death before it becomes ludicrous and you have to either start explaining yourself or get a new theme. So, hey. Merry Christmas. You can thank us later.

 

We like chocolate.



Getting the shiznit started



Print out the board. This is really important, since you won’t get very far without it. Now, I know, it’s nowhere near vrya’s level, but still. I spent many hours at work surreptitiously putting it together, and got busted more than a few times when my boss decided sneaking up behind me was a fun way to pass the time, so use it. Love it. Pretend it’s super snazzy. A lot of blood, sweat and humiliation went into it, so don’t give me any shit.

 

You may also notice that it is in pieces, and may be feeling slightly confused. We, the ghetto and proud here at b&bt, suggest you pull yourself together and go get your ass some duct tape (and some cardboard if you're feeling particularly sassy), and tape the board together.

board1  board2   board3  board4

 

(Tips: boards 1 and 2 are top left and right, respectively. Boards 3 and 4 are bottom left and right, respectively. Note, when playing, that you move towards the red dots that point to squares. Think of the red dots as arrows. Arrows that point to the square that, er they are closest to. Or something. Or make up your own board and stop nagging us!)

 

Once you've managed to put together the highly complicated playing arena, print out the handy dandy playing pieces (no duct tape required). Though I feel this is rather self-explanatory, SP proved me wrong, and therefore I shall point out that the playing pieces bend in half. They are not upside down. Thanks.

And yes, I am aware they are different sizes. I care. Really. But I’m not fixing them.

playing pieces  



Picking your playing piece



The next crucial step is deciding who gets to be who. While there’s no tried and true way of getting the character you want, I can suggest a method that served me well growing up which I like to call the “I call the blue ball*!!!!” method. It’s simple, really. As soon as the merest possibility of a game is sensed, one must immediately, and loudly, declare ownership of ones favorite playing piece. If someone argues with you, ie declares that you can’t do that and that they wanted the blue ball* or that they in fact called it first, scream loudly that you called it first, even if you did not. It’s not about honesty, it’s about doing whatever it takes to get that blue ball*--therefore lying, cheating and stealing are condoned. Should these fail you, threaten violence. A good smack on the head with the blue ball* often suffices. If violence is not an option, ie when parents and/or other authority figures threaten to become involved, clutch the blue ball* to your chest and curl into a fetal position while sobbing voraciously. (This works especially well with men, as they never know what to do with a sobbing woman in a fetal position.)

*or whatever object it is you’re calling, ie Cordy, Buffy, Dumbass…

 

Once you have successfully procured your playing piece of choice, wipe away the tears and pick someone to go first. Then pick someone to go second. Then third, fourth, etc...I suggest adopting a clockwise motion from the first person on as it will make things a wee bit easier. Wouldn’t want to flog the wrong player for missing their turn and fucking up the whole game now, would we? No, we would not. That way lies retaliation, heads being shaved in the middle of the night in retribution and embarrassing photos of you on the internet. So save us all the trouble and do it the easy way.



The actual game



So originally we had massive amounts of fanastic little quirks to look for in each character/scene worth a certain amount of squares, and horrifying penalties if you missed your turn and cards to draw and it was all fabulously confusing as fuck and would have driven the anal among you insane, as all good games should be, but then we realized that you’d probably just take one look at it and make up your own shit anyway, so we decided to just sort of give you the basics in varying degrees of vagueness/specificness to, you know, not follow.



So expand! Embellish! Be as specific as you want! Convert it into an alcohol-infused debauchery! And hey! Let us know! We might try it! Even though, you know...we don't do such things.


So in case the above wasn't clear, and I'm not really a good judge of that right now, being extremely high on caffeine, but listed below are quirks, plot points and wardrobe faux pas to look for. Listed to the right of the items is a number. If it's a +, go ahead that many squares. If it's a -, go back those squares. Capiche?



And to be more clear, since the non-caffeine high SP says I am not, there are lists below. Study them. Love them. Abuse them.  Memorize them if you feel it’s necessary, for these are the things that fuel our game. These events do not have to happen in any specific order as they are as random as the day feels long when I’m sitting at my desk, wanting to poke my cubicle mates in the eye with sharp pencils--so don’t worry about order. To illustrate, Buffy may whip out those crying eyes we all know and love well before Willow shows up in something fuzzy, but that doesn’t mean that the person whose turn it is has to wait for Willow to show up in something fuzzy to go, assuming, of course, that that will be ahead of Buffy crying on the list. I don’t really know, as I haven’t finished the lists yet, but if it’s anywhere on the list and it’s your turn, you go, regardless of order.



Also, taking the example of fuzzy Willow and running with it, Willow showing up in something fuzzy only counts the first time she shows up in the fuzzy article. To whit, in Dopplegangland, Willow dons a fuzzy pink sweater. This counts only the first scene she arrives in. Now, if Willow were to don a fuzzy hat, even if paired with a fuzzy sweater from a previous scene, the fuzzy hat counts as a new fuzzy item, and someone must go. (Preferably the person whose turn it is.) However, if Willow takes the hat off and puts it back on, it’s the same item and doesn’t count. Now, if Willow were to show up later on in the same episode in a different fuzzy hat or sweater, then it’s a new item and it’s someone’s turn to go.



And while we’re speaking of fuzzy hats, this would in fact be two turns for the same person, as it is a hat and it is fuzzy.  However, if Giles takes off his glasses, fidgets with them and then immediately puts them back on, this is in fact 3 separate turns, as each item is clearly listed separately.



Some of the items, ie Buffy dressing inappropriately for slaying, may be seen, by uncreative minds, as too subjective to be of use. If this should be the case and an argument breaks out, as some people might think mini-skirts are appropriate wear for slayage, the loudest person wins. Sound fair?



Actually, we don’t really care. We’re not about fair.



Once the list has been perused and amended as you see fit (we’re not really so strict or obtuse around here as to think we could ever come up with the be all end all of Buffy quirks) turn on an episode of Buffy. Once started, the first goer, heretofore referred to as “A” goes first. Still with us? Good. Now “ A” watches for the characters, any of them, to do something on the list. Let’s say, hypothetically, that a character does something on the list. “A” goes the prescribed number of squares. Five seconds to an hour later, another character does something on the list. “B” goes. Yadda, yadda, yadda.

 

Now let’s say “C” was talking to “D” and missed Xander saving the world. Again. Here is where whomsoever busts “C”s ass would get to go ahead one square, while  “C” would have to take a penalty if we had finished setting up the penalty angle of the game. Which we didn't, as clearly stated above. However, if you'd like to instate your own penalties, we think that's fabulous and would definitely encourage such behavior.



Winning


He/she/it who gets to the Finish square first wins. I suppose we could be bitchy and say you have to end on the Finished square by exact count-so you have to get to the winning square by exact count. Enjoy!


Buffy

is a bitch (ie says something bitchy, does something bitchy, acts like a bitch, etc) [+2—that’s the girl we know and love!]

dresses inappropriately for slayage (ie knee high boots, leopard skin coats, shiny mini skirts, etc) [+2]

has sex with a dead person [-3]

has sex with a real live human being (see below under group fun for exception) [+4—gotta encourage that sort of behavior, ya know?]

whips out a patented Buffy move (ie angry folded arms, crying eyes, pursed lips, etc) [-1]

reminds us she killed Angel. [-3—because we really just don’t care.]


Giles

plays with his glasses

is british

is an asshole [-2]

gets hurt/maimed/humiliated while Buffy trains [+1—that’s just good stuff]

gets knocked out [+3]

wakes up in a coma [+6]

uses any of the skills he acquired as a juvenile delinquent [+2]

plays the guitar [+4—SP really likes that]

sports an earring [-1—it’s just too mid-life-y for our boy]



Willow


is a geek (ie says something geeky, wears something geeky, talks about being a geek) [+3]

has clothes issues

behaves like a crackwhore who’s run out of smack

reminds us that she's gay (ie a joke, discusses her fondness for chicken breasts, etc) [-2]

does something useful with her computer, ie hacking into encrypted databases, hacking into the morgue, hacking into anything, etc, sans magik [+5]

pines after Xander [+2]

subtly reminds us of something (ie holding Tara's hand without proclamation of gayness, stones on Tara's grave to remind us she's Jewish, etc) [+3]



Xander


saves someone [+2]

saves the day [+3]

saves the world [+3]

uses his military knowledge (to save the day and/or the world) [+2]

fixes something (not necessarily to save the world—perhaps just to keep out the rain or whatnot) [+1]

appears as Jesus and savior [-2]

let's us know how much he does not like Angel [+3]

lies [-1]

flirts with Angel [+4]

feels like a loser [-2]

feels like a studmuffin [+5]

does the snoopy dance [+5]



Dawn


Whines and/or complains [-3]

has insanely shiny hair [+3]

screams [+1]

researches [+2]

annoys you [-2]

mysteriously knows a new language [+4]

steals things for no good reason except a lame storyline that never went anywhere [-1]

is shown the world by Buffy [+10]



Oz


plays with the Dingoes [+3]

achieves E flat to diminshed 9th [+5]

is the sweetest boy ever [+3
saves Willow's life [+6]   

uses his wolf sense [+1]  
is laconic [+2]



Joyce


tells Buffy that if she can't do something, it won't be the end of the world [+3]

employs selective amnesia [-2—bad mom! Bad!]

has a "good mom" moment (watches old movies with Buffy, hits Spike over the head with an axe, etc.) [+2]



Faith


discusses/participates in nekkid wrestling (of either the alligator or the human male variety) [+1]

let's that Boston accent slip through [+1]

acts tough, when she's really crying on the inside [+2]

talks about how men are losers [+2]

wants. takes. has. (ie french fries, weaponry, Xander, Angel, etc) [+5]

Riley

 

is a dork (ie acts like a dork, says something dorky, ie “courted”, "peculiar",  “I have feelings for Buffy” or “gee”, etc) [-1]

uses military speak [+2] (Really? Positive points for that?)



Angel

 

is a dumbass (ie acts like a cryptic dumbass, says something dumbassy, etc) [-3]

displays an actual emotion [+3—patented look of constipation does NOT count]

signifies his evilness via leather pants [+4]

broods [-2]


Cordelia

 

is a bitch (ie says something bitchy, decides against tact, insults someone, etc) [+3]

looks for the nearest janitor's closet, if you know what we mean, and I think you do [+2]

acts like a real scooby [+1]

sends the world into an alternate and not better dimension [-1]

Spike

whines (about Buffy, about love, about the pain of soul, etc) [-3]

is cool (hurts something, acts cocky, does not whine, does something evil, etc) [+4]

sports a gold chain [-2]

says something British [+1]

knocks over the Welcome to Sunnydale sign [+3]

Anya

is quirky (says something quirky, doesn’t understand those strange humans because she's quirky, etc) [-3]

pontificates the glory of money  (ie dances with it, talks about it, counts it, worries about it, etc) [+3]

discusses sex

reminisces about her past as a dealer of vengeance

expresses fear and/or distrust of bunnies [+3]

behaves like a normal human being (speaks in a normal cadence, acts normal, flunks math, etc) [+4]

Tara

stutters [+1]

acts as Dawn's mother [+3]

dotes over Willow [-2]

gets on Willow's ass about cra--we mean magik [+2]

wears something hideously unflattering [-3]


Group fun

Xander’s and Angel’s secret desire to jump each other jumps off the screen [+4]

Riley and Buffy have inappropriate (meaning: any) sex (on screen) [-2]

the gang hangs out as if they are friends [+5]

Angel and Buffy bore everyone to tears with the "it's all about us show" [-5]


Big Evils and their smaller, lesser respected evil Scoobie-type buds, ie Minions, dead pet birds that they still talk to,  vampires before they become lame and get souls because all the cool kids have ‘em, etc


Adam tortures us with his presence (first entrance into each scene) [-4]

The First Evil does nothing—scratch that. It never did anything. This game would go nowhere. The First Evil does something. Besides talk. (Note: taunting does not count) [+15]

The Ben/Glory bullshi--plot makes sense—turn off the tv. Go outside. Inhale deeply. Call someone to come pick up your tv. You watch way too much. Also, stop inhaling glue. It kills brain cells. [0]

Caleb is nice to a woman (does not count if only nice in order to get close enough to stab/hurt/maim) [+10]

an evil person allows Buffy to leave when it’s got her on the ropes [-5]

Drusilla’s accent makes you want to scrape your fingernails down a chalkboard for the calm, soothing effects it has [-1]

Everyone and everything else we’re too lazy and/or bitter about to give their own heading

military speak is used [+2]

a neckscarf is sported. [+2]

Clear stunt double sighting

A date is mentioned in a plot point that conversely negates a later date in a plot point related or otherwise (ie Ben summoning the Queller since he always picks up after Glory, the Scoobs discovering the Queller was called centuries earlier, Ben then turns out to be 25 years old) [+4 and another turn—come on, anything that requires math deserves a bit extra.]

Joss rips off, er...pays homage to something/someone (ie The Matrix, Frankenstein, Aliens, 2 Guys, A girl and a pizza place, etc) [+3]

Continuity is actually adhered to and/or referenced

Continuity is thrown out the window (ie Buffy’s ever-changing date of birth, Vampires walking around in the daylight with only a blanket for protection, Ben/Glory/the Queller plot excursion to nowhere, etc) [-2] An actor is recycled. [+1]

someone actually tries to check a book out or use the library [+1]

Have fun!

did you make up more rules when you played? tell us about it in the forums.