beginning | blinding torment | boils | lies | making me bitter | evil compounds evil | blah blah bity blah
It’s over.
So what the hell are you supposed to do with yourself now?
The obvious answer would be to drink. But since you’re probably already doing that, you could try turning off the tv and going outside--We know, we know, we can hear you protesting “but FX is playing Go Fish! Xander in a speedo! In slow motion!” And we’re down with that. Really. We never said we actually recommended turning off the tv, it was just a suggestion. Like if we told you to drink bleach. It’s a suggestion, but doesn’t mean we necessarily think you should do so. Not really. Per se. In fact, I think, when you look back, we come out pretty firmly on the side of NOT drinking bleach. Just to, you know, illustrate our point.
Which was, to be clear: don’t drink bleach.
So once you’ve put down the
bleach and ignored our suggestion to go outside and turned on your favorite
episode instead, what’s left?
The Surviving-Your-1,000th-Viewing-With-Panache
Game*, that’s what!
A game, you say? Why? Why do I need a game? Why can’t I just watch the
show and act it out along with the actors like I usually do?
Well, for one, that's what crazy people do, and for two, now when someone asks you why the hell you’re watching an episode over and over again that you’ve already seen a million times when you really should be outside enjoying the sun, you can simply say “I’m playing a game.” Games are good. They’re intellectual and build social skills. No one’s going to argue with you when you’re building social skills. Social skills are important. Especially if you’ve spent the last seven years watching a show about a petite blonde who likes to kill things and sleep with dead people. Trust us on this.
And really, there are only so many times you can be busted knowing every single line to Becoming or watching Xander threaten Angel in Killed by Death before it becomes ludicrous and you have to either start explaining yourself or get a new theme. So, hey. Merry Christmas. You can thank us later.
We like chocolate.
Getting the shiznit started
You may also notice that it is in
pieces, and may be feeling slightly confused. We, the ghetto and proud here
at b&bt, suggest you pull yourself together and go get your ass some duct
tape (and some cardboard if you're feeling particularly sassy), and tape the
board together.
(Tips: boards 1 and 2 are top left and right, respectively. Boards 3 and 4 are bottom left and right, respectively. Note, when playing, that you move towards the red dots that point to squares. Think of the red dots as arrows. Arrows that point to the square that, er they are closest to. Or something. Or make up your own board and stop nagging us!)
Once you've managed to put together the highly
complicated playing arena, print out the handy dandy playing pieces (no duct
tape required). Though I feel this is rather self-explanatory, SP proved me
wrong, and therefore I shall point out that the playing pieces bend in half.
They are not upside down. Thanks.
Picking your playing piece
The next crucial step is deciding who gets to be who. While there’s no
tried and true way of getting the character you want, I can suggest a method
that served me well growing up which I like to call the “I call the blue
ball*!!!!” method. It’s simple, really. As soon as the merest possibility
of a game is sensed, one must immediately, and loudly, declare ownership of
ones favorite playing piece. If someone argues with you, ie declares that you
can’t do that and that they wanted the blue ball* or that they in fact
called it first, scream loudly that you called it first, even if you did not.
It’s not about honesty, it’s about doing whatever it takes to get
that blue ball*--therefore lying, cheating and stealing are condoned. Should
these fail you, threaten violence. A good smack on the head with the blue ball*
often suffices. If violence is not an option, ie when parents and/or other
authority figures threaten to become involved, clutch the blue ball* to your
chest and curl into a fetal position while sobbing voraciously. (This works
especially well with men, as they never know what to do with a sobbing woman
in a fetal position.)
*or whatever object it is you’re calling, ie Cordy, Buffy, Dumbass…
Once you have successfully procured
your playing piece of choice, wipe away the tears and pick someone to go
first. Then pick someone to go second. Then third, fourth, etc...I suggest
adopting
a clockwise motion from the first person on as it will make things a wee
bit easier. Wouldn’t want to flog the wrong player for missing their
turn and fucking up the whole game now, would we? No, we would not. That
way lies
retaliation, heads being shaved in the middle of the night in retribution
and embarrassing photos of you on the internet. So save us all the trouble
and
do it the easy way.
The actual game
So originally we had massive amounts of fanastic little quirks to look for
in each character/scene worth a certain amount of squares, and horrifying
penalties if you missed your turn and cards to draw and it was all fabulously
confusing as fuck and would have driven the anal among you insane, as all
good games should be, but then we realized that you’d probably just
take one look at it and make up your own shit anyway, so we decided to just
sort of give you the basics in varying degrees of vagueness/specificness
to, you know, not follow.
So expand! Embellish! Be as specific as you want!
Convert it into an alcohol-infused debauchery! And hey! Let us know! We might
try it! Even though, you know...we don't do such things.
So in case the above wasn't clear, and I'm not
really a good judge of that right now, being extremely high on caffeine, but
listed below are quirks, plot points and wardrobe faux pas to look for. Listed
to the right of the items is a number. If it's a +, go ahead that many squares.
If it's a -, go back those squares. Capiche?
Also, taking the example of fuzzy Willow and running with it, Willow showing
up in something fuzzy only counts the first time she shows up in the fuzzy
article. To whit, in Dopplegangland,
Willow dons a fuzzy pink sweater. This counts only the first scene she arrives
in. Now, if Willow were to don a fuzzy hat, even if paired with a fuzzy sweater
from a previous scene, the fuzzy hat counts as a new fuzzy item, and someone
must go. (Preferably the person whose turn it is.) However, if Willow takes
the hat off and puts it back on, it’s the same item and doesn’t
count. Now, if Willow were to show up later on in the same episode in a different fuzzy
hat or sweater, then it’s a new item and it’s someone’s
turn to go.
And while we’re speaking of fuzzy hats, this would in fact be two turns
for the same person, as it is a hat and it is fuzzy. However, if Giles
takes off his glasses, fidgets with them and then immediately puts them back
on, this is in fact 3 separate turns, as each item is clearly listed separately.
Some of the items, ie Buffy dressing inappropriately for slaying, may be seen,
by uncreative minds, as too subjective to be of use. If this should be the
case and an argument breaks out, as some people might think mini-skirts are
appropriate wear for slayage, the loudest person wins. Sound fair?
Actually, we don’t really care. We’re not about fair.
Once the list has been perused and amended as you see fit (we’re not
really so strict or obtuse around here as to think we could ever come up with
the be all end all of Buffy quirks)
turn on an episode of Buffy. Once
started, the first goer, heretofore referred to as “A” goes first.
Still with us? Good. Now “ A” watches for the characters, any of
them, to do something on the list. Let’s say, hypothetically, that a
character does something on the list. “A” goes the prescribed number
of squares. Five seconds to an hour later, another character does something
on the list. “B” goes. Yadda, yadda, yadda.
Now let’s say “C” was talking to “D” and missed Xander saving the world. Again. Here is where whomsoever busts “C”s ass would get to go ahead one square, while “C” would have to take a penalty if we had finished setting up the penalty angle of the game. Which we didn't, as clearly stated above. However, if you'd like to instate your own penalties, we think that's fabulous and would definitely encourage such behavior.
He/she/it who gets to the Finish square first wins. I suppose we could be bitchy
and say you have to end on the Finished square by exact count-so you have
to get to the winning square by exact count. Enjoy!
is a bitch (ie says something bitchy, does something bitchy, acts like a bitch, etc) [+2—that’s the girl we know and love!]
dresses inappropriately for slayage (ie knee high boots, leopard skin coats, shiny mini skirts, etc) [+2]
has sex with a dead person [-3]
has sex with a real live human being (see below under group fun for exception) [+4—gotta encourage that sort of behavior, ya know?]
whips out a patented Buffy move (ie angry folded arms, crying eyes, pursed lips, etc) [-1]
reminds us she killed Angel. [-3—because we really just don’t care.]
plays with his glasses
takes them off [+1]
puts them back on immediately after taking them off [+2]
cleans them [+1]
fidgets with them [+1]
pets them and calls them George [+10]
is british
does something british-like (ie wears what appears to be a woman’s scarf over his tweed, drinks tea, says things like "shag", "nancy" and "ponce") [+3]
is an asshole [-2]
gets hurt/maimed/humiliated while Buffy trains [+1—that’s just good stuff]
gets knocked out [+3]
wakes up in a coma [+6]
uses any of the skills he acquired as a juvenile delinquent [+2]
plays the guitar [+4—SP really likes that]
sports an earring [-1—it’s just too mid-life-y for our boy]
is a geek (ie says something geeky, wears something geeky, talks about being a geek) [+3]
has clothes issues
stripes with polka dots [-3]
plaid tights with striped skirt, or vice versa [-1]
wears matching clothes [+3]
appears in something fuzzy [+1]
wears a hat [+2]
behaves like a crackwhore who’s run out of smack
gulps water [-2]
itches herself [-1]
gets the shakes [+3--for originality]
reminds us that she's gay (ie a joke, discusses her fondness for chicken breasts, etc) [-2]
does something useful with her computer, ie hacking into encrypted databases, hacking into the morgue, hacking into anything, etc, sans magik [+5]
pines after Xander [+2]
subtly reminds us of something (ie holding Tara's
hand without proclamation of gayness, stones on Tara's grave to remind us
she's Jewish, etc) [+3]
saves someone [+2]
saves the day [+3]
saves the world [+3]
uses his military knowledge (to save the day and/or
the world) [+2]
fixes something (not necessarily to save the world—perhaps
just to keep out the rain or whatnot) [+1]
appears as Jesus and savior [-2]
let's us know how much he does not like Angel [+3]
lies [-1]
flirts with Angel [+4]
feels like a loser [-2]
feels like a studmuffin [+5]
does the snoopy dance [+5]
Whines and/or complains [-3]
has insanely shiny hair [+3]
screams [+1]
researches [+2]
annoys you [-2]
mysteriously knows a new language [+4]
steals things for no good reason except a lame storyline that never went anywhere [-1]
is shown the world by Buffy [+10]
plays with the Dingoes [+3]
achieves E flat to diminshed 9th [+5]
is the sweetest boy ever [+3]
saves Willow's life [+6]
uses his wolf sense [+1]
is laconic [+2]
tells Buffy that if she can't do something, it won't be the end of the world [+3]
employs selective amnesia [-2—bad mom! Bad!]
has a "good mom" moment (watches old movies with Buffy, hits Spike over the head with an axe, etc.) [+2]
discusses/participates in nekkid wrestling (of either the alligator or the human male variety) [+1]
let's that Boston accent slip through [+1]
acts tough, when she's really crying on the inside [+2]
talks about how men are losers [+2]
wants. takes. has. (ie french fries, weaponry, Xander, Angel, etc) [+5]
is a dork (ie acts like a dork, says something dorky, ie “courted”, "peculiar", “I have feelings for Buffy” or “gee”, etc) [-1]
uses military speak [+2] (Really? Positive points for that?)
is a dumbass (ie acts like a cryptic dumbass, says something dumbassy, etc) [-3]
displays an actual emotion [+3—patented look of constipation does NOT count]
signifies his evilness via leather pants [+4]
broods [-2]
is a bitch (ie says something bitchy, decides against tact, insults someone, etc) [+3]
looks for the nearest janitor's closet, if you know what we mean, and I think you do [+2]
acts like a real scooby [+1]
sends the world into an alternate and not better dimension [-1]
whines (about Buffy, about love, about the pain of soul, etc) [-3]
is cool (hurts something, acts cocky, does not whine, does something evil, etc) [+4]
sports a gold chain [-2]
says something British [+1]
knocks over the Welcome to Sunnydale sign [+3]
is quirky (says something quirky, doesn’t understand those
strange humans because she's quirky, etc) [-3]
pontificates
the glory of money (ie
dances with it, talks about it, counts it, worries about it, etc)
discusses sex
how she enjoys it [+1]
compares Xander to a Viking or anything that indicates he is a stallion in the sack [+2]
requests sex [+1]
reminisces about her past as a dealer of vengeance
reference fits into continuity [+2]
reference recreates the wheel [-2]
expresses fear and/or distrust of bunnies [+3]
behaves like a normal human being (speaks in a normal cadence, acts normal, flunks math, etc) [+4]
stutters [+1]
acts as Dawn's mother [+3]
dotes over Willow [-2]
gets on Willow's ass about cra--we mean magik [+2]
wears something hideously unflattering [-3]
Xander’s and Angel’s secret desire to jump each other jumps off the screen [+4]
Riley and Buffy have inappropriate (meaning: any)
sex (on screen) [-2]
the gang hangs out as if they are friends [+5]
Angel and Buffy bore everyone to tears with the "it's all about us show" [-5]
Adam tortures us with his presence (first entrance into each scene) [-4]
The First Evil does nothing—scratch that. It never did anything. This game would go nowhere. The First Evil does something. Besides talk. (Note: taunting does not count) [+15]
The Ben/Glory bullshi--plot makes sense—turn off the tv. Go outside. Inhale deeply. Call someone to come pick up your tv. You watch way too much. Also, stop inhaling glue. It kills brain cells. [0]
Caleb is nice to a woman (does not count if only nice in order to get close enough to stab/hurt/maim) [+10]
an evil person allows Buffy to leave when it’s got her on the ropes [-5]
“it’s not time” is uttered at any time [-2 bonus squares]
Drusilla’s accent makes you want to scrape your fingernails down a chalkboard for the calm, soothing effects it has [-1]
military speak is used [+2]
a neckscarf is sported. [+2]
Clear stunt double sighting
in a fight [-1]
as a stand-in for a fill in shot or a rear shot [-3]
A date is mentioned in a plot point that conversely negates a later date in a plot point related or otherwise (ie Ben summoning the Queller since he always picks up after Glory, the Scoobs discovering the Queller was called centuries earlier, Ben then turns out to be 25 years old) [+4 and another turn—come on, anything that requires math deserves a bit extra.]
Joss rips off, er...pays homage to something/someone (ie The Matrix, Frankenstein, Aliens, 2 Guys, A girl and a pizza place, etc) [+3]
Continuity is actually adhered to and/or referenced
a previous character shows up, ie Percy, Sandy the Vampire, Amy the rat, etc [+3]
a previous character is referenced , ie jokes about Amy the rat, Gay Larry, past events, etc [+2]
a vampire hangs out in the actual nighttime [+3]
Continuity
is thrown out the window (ie Buffy’s ever-changing date of birth, Vampires
walking around in the daylight with only a blanket for protection, Ben/Glory/the
Queller plot
excursion
to nowhere, etc) someone actually tries to check a book out or use the library [+1] did
you make up more rules when you played?
tell us about it in the forums.
