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season seven > top model
In the latest installment of Buffy, the First, obviously
as bored with Buffy’s speeches and itself as the audience, tries a different
tack in sluffing off this mortal coil and takes the shape of one Tyra Banks.
It lures the Scoobs to New York city with the promise of a Willemina modeling
contract. Hilarity and catfighting ensue. And in true season seven
form, Anya gets the boot, the Scoobs are bitches to each other and Xander
once again gets no screentime.
Showing its astute knowledge of human character, the First finally got off
its ass and deduced that sitting around doing nothing wasn’t helping much,
and it sure did look like the Scoobs were at the end of their rope, and needed
some “them” time. Using this information for evil, it cleverly issued an
“open cattle call” for models, the female Scoobs and Potentials responded
as planned and traveled to LA, leaving Xander and Andrew presumably to the
strenuous tasks of comic book discussion and funnel caking [Well, you know, the scoobies figured the audition would be
a good place to find all those newly powered up girls!].
Once there, our Scoobs failed to realize it was all a trap and fell into
the First’s thrall, clapping for it at dinner, allowing it to trick them
into the tried and true medieval torture known as a Brazilian bikini wax
(much less known but much more effective than the rack), getting them to
spit out their innermost thoughts by setting up a “confessional” (much easier
than actually hanging incorporeally about, eavesdropping. Plus, the added
benefit of fast forwarding through the boring bits), etc. Willow quickly
went evil, as evidenced by her evil black hair. Buffy curled her hair
and, though it was not thought possible, managed to make her hip bones jut
out even more.
Anya skipped the meeting in LA (presumably because she had some demon or
other acquaintance to hit up for sex and/or information on the First) and
met up with the gang in New York.
Once there, the Scoobs and Potentials moved into a posh, if tacky, penthouse.
They chose rooms and they all pretended to love each other a whole bunch
[they just keep using the same script over and over in season seven, don’t
they]. Treated to tasty dinners and sing alongs by the First’s new
right-hand man (of righteousness!), here going by the name Julie, the gang
fell even more under the First’s clever thrall.
The First’s devious plan carried on through the morning where the
Scoobs were forced to model Jlo bikinis on a NY rooftop [and looks like they traded in the bus for better transportation!]—and
it was right about here, folks, where SP and I realized that we weren’t watching
Buffy after all. I’m sure you can see how we made the mistake—poor plot,
lots of skinny anemic chicks, a lack of screentime for Xander and Giles,
the evil person in the guise of a religious fanatic, etc.
But even we couldn’t believe the Scoobs would reduce themselves to Jlo.
Please.
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